Lost

6 Feb

When I wrote my last post, I had envisioned myself posting about each step of the IUI process and documenting the entire experience. Obviously, that didn’t happen. At first, I felt really guilty that I didn’t make it a priority, but then I realized something important. It wasn’t a priority because I was too busy living my life. I didn’t post because I was tired or sick from the medicines. I didn’t post because I was spending time with my husband. I didn’t post because I was working through everything in my own head.

The IUI wasn’t horrible but it was took more time and work than I had thought. I get a lot of headaches on the medicine and they make me completely exhausted. The shot in my stomach (to trigger ovulation) was hard for me and made me feel absolutely awful for a week. The constant appointments keep me behind at work which I hate.

Our first IUI did not work. I’m not pregnant. I am still waiting on my period to start which the nurse said is common after a medicated cycle. I was supposed to start on Friday but didn’t and still haven’t. I’ve been cramping and spotting since Friday and had negative tests on Saturday and Monday (today) mornings. I’m just ready to start my dang period already.

I have really struggled this last weekend. It’s like the past two years caught up with me all at once on Saturday and I cracked. I feel beaten down and lost. I can’t remember the last time I have felt this depressed and it’s starting to scare me. Josh has been really supportive and I am in therapy so it’s something we will definitely talk about this week. My hormones are probably making me feel even worse. I know this is only my first IUI and it can take 3-4 tries before it is successful but for some reason I am just having a really hard time moving on. I am either crying or completely numb. I don’t want to talk to anyone which is really odd for me. Usually, when I’m struggling, I talk through it. I call my friends or family and get everything off my chest. But I don’t want to talk.

I don’t want to sound ungrateful. I am lucky that I responded to the medicine the way I was supposed to and nothing went wrong. I’m lucky that we can even afford to try IUI. I’m so fortunate to have an amazing husband who is being so strong for me.

I’m really hoping that once my period starts and the hormones balance back out, things will get back to normal. In the meantime, I am going to take it easy and try my best to get out of this funk. Thank you so much to everyone that has been so supportive. I’m sorry I haven’t been answering much on Twitter or by emails.

I just feel lost. Hopefully, I will find my way very soon.

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Our First RE

21 Dec

Yesterday, Josh and I left work early to go to our first RE (reproductive endocrinologist, AKA fertility specialist). I was a bit nervous but mostly really excited to meet our RE and see what he had to say about our situation and options. Right before we went back to see the doctor, I had a conversation with Josh about how in movies, you always see people meeting with a doctor in an office. The doctor will be sitting behind a desk and the patient will sit down and talk with him/her. I made a comment about how that has never happened to me before and it would be cool if it did. So, of course, when we went back to meet with the doctor, he was sitting behind a desk in an office. It took everything I had to not burst out laughing right then. Luckily, I restrained myself. I don’t think it would have been the best first impression to walk into the office and start laughing at absolutely nothing. The doctor probably would have declared me insane and sent me back home.

My RE went over all the paperwork we filled out with our medical histories. We talked about my crazy reproductive past and discussed my endometriosis. After going over everything, he told us that he thinks our prognosis is really, really good. He says that it’s not a matter of if we will get pregnant, but when and how. That was so great to hear. I learned so much about endometriosis and even the reproductive cycle that I didn’t know before. His recommendation was to try IUI, which I was fully expecting. What I wasn’t expected was how soon we could start. My period is due the first week of January and that’s when this whole thing will get started! So in only a couple of weeks, we will be starting our first IUI!

Today, I had to go back to do some blood work and to get an ultrasound. They want to make sure everything looks ok before we get started. So far, everything has come back normal and my ultrasound tech said everything looked great. After the ultrasound, my doctor stopped by to check on me and chat for a bit. Guys, I completely adore my RE. He is so kind, gentle and caring. I am completely comfortable with him and am confident in his abilities to help us. I love that he is so positive with me. It’s impossible to not get excited when your doctor is so upbeat and hopeful.

The plan is to call the office on the first day of my period (which should be around January 5th). Between cycle day 2 and 4, I will go back in for more blood work and another ultrasound to make sure everything is doing what it’s supposed to at the beginning of a new cycle. Then, I will take fertility meds (something like Clomid) to help stimulate ovulation. We are basically prepping my body for a SUPER ovulation. Around the time I normally ovulate, I will go back to the office and get blood work and another ultrasound. If everything is going as planned, we will do the IUI. (If you want to read more about what an IUI is, try this link.)

All in all, we are both excited and hopeful. I am, of course, a bit nervous about the medications but that’s to be expected. I have no doubt that this doctor will take good care of me. I am completely confident that 2012 will be the year we finally get pregnant. And you know what? That feels amazing.

Here’s to 2012

6 Dec

As of today, 2011 is officially NOT the year I will get pregnant. Neither was 2010.

A few months ago, I told Josh I needed to take December off from trying to conceive. I have been getting a lot of headaches and migraines during the two weeks before my period is due. For those that aren’t obsessed with baby making. those are very crucial weeks. I am careful to not drink caffeine or take any medications in the off-chance that I am pregnant. This means that on the days I get a migraine, I have to just suck it up and get through. My OB gave me a prescription for a medication that can help me sleep better at night which usually makes the migraine go away, but I can’t take it until I go to bed.  Most days this plan works fine but during December, those crucial two weeks fall when we will be at my in-law’s house for Christmas. I just can’t deal with migraines while I’m out-of-town so we decided to take this month off.

Since my period started today, my last cycle of 2011 was not successful. I am dealing with it as best as I can. We have an appointment with an RE on December 20th and I am looking forward to seeing what our next steps are, but I’m still disappointed. It would have been nice to get knocked up before we had to resort to a specialist.

So here’s to 2012! I really hope it will be our year.

Cheer Up!

3 Nov

I’m in one of those “blaaahh” moods today (that can happen after yet another negative pregnancy test). Instead of focusing on the bad, I thought it would be nice to list some things that make me happy. These are all coming from Pinterest, because Pinterest never fails to make me happy. And hungry. And want to go shopping.

First, we have a beautiful image of fall. There isn’t much that makes me happier than fall leaves, a little chill in the air, hot cider and BOOTS.


Next, we have the cutest puppy ever. If this doesn’t cheer you up, you might not have a soul.

I watched Gremlins this last weekend and I had completely forgotten how adorable little Gizmo was in that movie. When he said, “Bye Billy!” at the end of the movie, I died. Also, Gremlins is still scary as hell. I thought since I am much older than the last time I saw it that it wouldn’t be as scary. WRONG.

This is a good enough reason for me to be positive…


Last, but not least, something to look forward to. Guys, Thanksgiving is only three weeks away! CAN’T WAIT!


I don’t know about you guys, but I’m in a much better mood now!

(Click on the images to see the sources.)

Accent Vlog!

26 Oct

I have been dying to do this vlog so I’m so excited to finally post it! Sorry for the millions of side stories and rambling but that’s a good example of how I talk in real life. Also, the random screen shot it used for the video is AMAZING.

The instructions are to say these words:
Aunt, Route, Wash, Oil, Theater, Iron, Salmon, Caramel, Fire, Water, Sure, Data, Ruin, Crayon, Toilet, New Orleans, Pecan, Both, Again, Probably, Spitting image, Alabama, Lawyer, Coupon, Mayonnaise, Syrup, Pajamas, Caught

And answer these questions:
What is it called when you throw toilet paper on a house?
What is the bug that when you touch it, it curls into a ball?
What is the bubbly carbonated drink called?
What do you call gym shoes?
What do you say to address a group of people?
What do you call the kind of spider that has an oval-shaped body and extremely long legs?
What do you call your grandparents?
What do you call the wheeled contraption in which you carry groceries at the supermarket?
What do you call it when rain falls while the sun is shining?
What is the thing you use to change the TV channel?

Two Years

10 Oct

Dear Josh,

Two years ago I walked down the aisle and vowed to honor and cherish you for the rest of my life. At times, it seems like we have such a new relationship and are still figuring things out. Other times, I struggle to remember what my life was like before you.

Through this last year we have been through a lot. Our journey to start a family has been difficult and very stressful at times. Through it all, you have remained strong, positive and supportive. I couldn’t ask for anything more and I know that together we can handle anything that comes our way. I am positive that someday you are going to be an amazing father.

This year I decided to start my own business and it was a huge and terrifying step for me. You were by my side every step of the way. When I had those “WHAT AM I DOING” days, you were there to push me along. What would I have done without you?

Thank you for being a wonderful husband. I love you more with each day.

Rather than keep rambling, I’ll let the words of our song speak the rest.

“Then”

I remember trying not to stare
The night that I first met you
You had me mezmorized
And three weeks later
In the front porch light
Taking 45 minutes to kiss goodnight
I hadn’t told you yet
I thought I loved you then

Now you’re my whole life
Now you’re my whole world
I just can’t believe
The way I feel about you girl
Like a river meets the sea
Stronger than its ever been
We’ve come so far since that day
And I thought I loved you then

I remember taking you back
To right where I first met you
You were so suprised
There were people around
But I didn’t care
I got down on one knee right there
And once again
I thought I loved you then

Now you’re my whole life
Now you’re my whole world
I just can’t believe
The way I feel about you girl
Like a river meets the sea
Stronger than its ever been
We’ve come so far since that day
And I thought I loved you then

I can just see you
With a baby on the way
I can just see you
When your hair is turning grey
What I can’t see
Is how I’m ever gonna love you more
But I’ve said that before

Now you’re my whole life
Now you’re my whole world
I just can’t believe
The way I feel about you girl
We’ll look back someday
At this moment that we’re in
And I’ll look at you and say
And I thought I loved you then

And I thought I loved you then

P.S. Thank you for the awesome chocolate covered strawberries. Too bad they will be all gone by tomorrow.

I Heart Faces

26 Sep

It’s  time for another weekly contest with I Heart Faces!

This week is the “Best Face Photo from Summer 2011. Looking back on all of the shoots I did this summer, one in particular stuck out because it meant so much to me. To read more about this shoot, you can visit my photography blog. This was a shoot I did with my wonderful grandparents and I am so proud of the results. This is my favorite shot from that shoot and my entry for this week.