Lost

6 Feb

When I wrote my last post, I had envisioned myself posting about each step of the IUI process and documenting the entire experience. Obviously, that didn’t happen. At first, I felt really guilty that I didn’t make it a priority, but then I realized something important. It wasn’t a priority because I was too busy living my life. I didn’t post because I was tired or sick from the medicines. I didn’t post because I was spending time with my husband. I didn’t post because I was working through everything in my own head.

The IUI wasn’t horrible but it was took more time and work than I had thought. I get a lot of headaches on the medicine and they make me completely exhausted. The shot in my stomach (to trigger ovulation) was hard for me and made me feel absolutely awful for a week. The constant appointments keep me behind at work which I hate.

Our first IUI did not work. I’m not pregnant. I am still waiting on my period to start which the nurse said is common after a medicated cycle. I was supposed to start on Friday but didn’t and still haven’t. I’ve been cramping and spotting since Friday and had negative tests on Saturday and Monday (today) mornings. I’m just ready to start my dang period already.

I have really struggled this last weekend. It’s like the past two years caught up with me all at once on Saturday and I cracked. I feel beaten down and lost. I can’t remember the last time I have felt this depressed and it’s starting to scare me. Josh has been really supportive and I am in therapy so it’s something we will definitely talk about this week. My hormones are probably making me feel even worse. I know this is only my first IUI and it can take 3-4 tries before it is successful but for some reason I am just having a really hard time moving on. I am either crying or completely numb. I don’t want to talk to anyone which is really odd for me. Usually, when I’m struggling, I talk through it. I call my friends or family and get everything off my chest. But I don’t want to talk.

I don’t want to sound ungrateful. I am lucky that I responded to the medicine the way I was supposed to and nothing went wrong. I’m lucky that we can even afford to try IUI. I’m so fortunate to have an amazing husband who is being so strong for me.

I’m really hoping that once my period starts and the hormones balance back out, things will get back to normal. In the meantime, I am going to take it easy and try my best to get out of this funk. Thank you so much to everyone that has been so supportive. I’m sorry I haven’t been answering much on Twitter or by emails.

I just feel lost. Hopefully, I will find my way very soon.

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5 Responses to “Lost”

  1. @EndoJourney February 6, 2012 at 5:59 pm #

    Take your time with it. Dealing with fertility treatments can be so draining even if you are excited or hopeful. In time you will feel better and come out of this. Be kind to yourself and do whatever you want/need to make you feel better. We’re all here whenever you’re ready to talk again! *hugs* and lots of love to you both.

  2. Jen February 6, 2012 at 6:11 pm #

    I’m so sorry Becca! I hope that you will be able to get out of your funk soon! I was in a funk earlier this year with regards to TTC and we ended up taking a bit of a break. It has actually been incredibly freeing (although I do at times still feel the clock ticking!). IUI is probably our next route and I know it is going to be even more stressful, so I’m trying to prepare myself for it (although I don’t know how much you can really do that either).

    I’ll be thinking happy, positive thoughts that you feel better soon! 🙂

  3. rubyskyline February 7, 2012 at 3:02 am #

    I can only imagine the frustration and sadness you must be feeling, but I like what @EndoJourney said: be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to feel down and to feel a little lost, but remember that there will be brighter, better days and everything will be OK somehow, someday. Try not to feel too overwhelmed and just take this whole thing a day at a time, knowing that’s all you can really do. When I realize that all I can do is keep trying and keep doing what I’ve been doing and meet each day it usually makes me feel better. I find that the husband is always a great source of comfort and happiness, too. 🙂

    Thinking of you and sending my best thoughts your way!

  4. Layla February 8, 2012 at 4:55 am #

    It’s totally fine to feel that way, and everyone understands. You just can’t stay there – you feel it now – all of it, allow it to be what you are right now. Just right now. And then, come back. Your friends will be here. *hugs*

  5. operationjaguar February 8, 2012 at 9:51 am #

    Love you Bec, I’m so sorry about the IUI. I’m here if you need a vent – anytime! xx

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