14 Sep

I’m clearly not getting a hang of this “I have two blogs” thing. I figured it was about time for a fertility catch up post. We had our HSG (dye test) done last month. I was completely terrified and was even more so when I found out Josh could not come back with me for the test. The test was a bit more painful than I thought but the painful part went by very quickly. As soon as it was over the doctor told me that both tubes were completely clear! Since my tubes had been totally blocked right after my surgery, I was fully expecting (and dreading) for the news to be the same. You can imagine how overjoyed I was to hear that they were clear.

As soon as I got dressed, I ran out to tell Josh and his reaction was completely adorable. He gave me a giant hug in the middle of the crowded waiting room and when he pulled away, his eyes were full of tears. We both walked out of the hospital with giant, goofy smiles and it was awesome. It was so nice to finally get good news. We spent the rest of the day doing our favorite things to celebrate. We went to our favorite place for lunch, stopped by the bookstore, bought some cupcakes and then went home and went on a walk with our dogs. After the walk, I took a nap and read for a while. It was a perfect day. Well, except for the whole “getting a balloon and dye put into my uterus” thing.

The last test that needed to be done was all on Josh. While it was nice to finally not be the one under the microscope, I felt bad that Josh had to go through it, especially since one of his friends that has been tested told him how horrible it was. This poor guy had to, um, deposit his sample in a bathroom. A bathroom. No movie or magazines. Just a bathroom and his imagination. Fortunately, Josh had it much easier. He said that a movie was playing and there were plenty of dirty magazines to help him along.

On Monday, my doctor called me and said that we needed to make an appointment so they can go over the results. My doctor has never made me make an appointment to go over any of my results so I am very nervous. After making my appointment, I called them back to ask if there was anything they could tell me. I was hoping for a summary of some sort. Their answer? “Dr. R says to not freak out and she will go over everything at your appointment.” Really helpful.

Josh is having a hard time dealing with all this. I have never seen him so defeated and down. Through this entire process (we are rapidly approaching the year and a half mark) he has been the eternal optimist. Now, he is sad and has even made the “if we ever have kids” comment. I don’t know what to do. I’m trying to be strong and positive for him but it’s so hard. I’m trying to not worry but I hate this waiting. We couldn’t get an appointment until Monday due to Josh’s work schedule and the doctor’s availability. I’m trying my best to put it out of my mind and stay hopeful that nothing is seriously wrong.

Josh told me last night that he feels “broken.” Unfortunately, I know exactly how he feels. At least we can be broken together.


4 Responses to “Broken”

  1. Overflowing Brain (Katie) September 15, 2011 at 1:31 am #

    Oof. I’m so sorry for all of this. I refuse to do platitudes and tell you it’s going to make you stronger because that doesn’t help anything. But I will continue to send good thoughts and hope for you.


  2. Jess September 15, 2011 at 8:37 am #

    Awe you poor things! Especially having to wait for appointments and not being told stuff over the phone, I understand how frustrating that is and you can’t think of anything else!

    Sending you both lots of positive thoughts and I know that in the future you will both make great parents!

  3. The Last Girl Standing September 15, 2011 at 8:02 pm #

    You’re in good company and while it’s not easy at least you can take comfort in each other. I think it’s great, and extremely healthy and helpful, that you guys can share your feelings and are so in tune with each other. This is a difficult, stressful and heartbreaking process, I’m so proud that it has brought you guys together. I really do believe that you guys will make it through this with a positive outcome. How or when I don’t know but I hope it’s soon and with ease (relatively speaking given the past year and a half, of course). I know I’ve been away and unplugged but I think of you lots and will be thinking of you on Monday. *hugs* xoox

  4. jennifer bible October 5, 2011 at 7:16 am #

    So I’m patiently waiting your next update post!!!!!……….

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