Bump in the Road

15 May

On Wednesday, I managed to sleep in until 10:00 which was helpful since I couldn’t eat or drink anything before my surgery. After watching TV for a bit, I jumped in the shower and we headed to the hospital. Things didn’t start out that great when we arrived because the male nurse that took me back was not friendly at all. Then, when I went to put on my hospital gown, there was dried blood on it. After a mini breakdown, Josh got me a new gown and I settled in the bed. Josh found some cartoons and I tried to relax.

A different and much nicer nurse came in and gave me my IV and got me prepped for surgery. I met my anesthesiologist and his assistant and we went over the procedure. For some reason, the assistant to the anesthesiologist was really comforting to me. He was so sweet and joked a bit which helped me relax. Soon I was being wheeled back into the surgery room. I was so scared at this point that I was barely able to speak. Luckily, the assistant was in the room and was talking me through everything. Once I started to feel a bit loopy, I asked the assistant, “Are you going to stay in here with me?” and he told me that he wouldn’t leave my side for one moment. That was one of the last things I remember.

When I woke up, the first thing I noticed was the pain. I was in an unbelievable amount of pain and it was awful. I fought to speak and managed to tell the nurse that I was hurting. She told me that she would get me some pain medicine in my IV. Very shortly, I noticed some relief but it was very short-lived. After I was given some time to wake up, the nurse wheeled my bed into another room which is where Josh was waiting for me. They gave me something to drink and I managed to have a couple of crackers. After I got dressed, they put me in a wheelchair and took me to the car. The way home was pretty rough and I started dry heaving because I was so sick to my stomach and the pain was so bad.

Once we got home, Josh broke the news to me. The surgery didn’t go quite as we had expected. I had gone in to have two cysts removed from my right ovary and while I was under, my doctor was going to do the dye test and look around to make sure everything looked ok. Well, things did not look ok. I also had at least one cyst on my left ovary, endometriosis that was burned off and one of my tubes is blocked. My doctor told all of this to Josh but he was in shock so he didn’t understand everything she said. He also had additional questions that he didn’t get the chance to ask. We aren’t sure how many other cysts I had or how bad the endometriosis was. We aren’t sure what to do about the blocked tube. My doctor did say that we will need to start seeing a fertility specialist and we may want to think about IVF (in vitro fertilization). We have a follow-up appointment with her on the 31st so we are going to get all the information then.

In the meantime, I am focusing on recovering. Walking is a challenge and the pain level is still pretty high. I really wasn’t prepared for such a difficult recovery. I am still in shock and my emotions are all over the place. I’m glad the surgery is over but I’m so disappointed in how much was wrong with me. I’m hopeful to move on to the next step but I’m terrified. I am so angry with my body. I have moments where I feel sorry for myself and I hate that.

I feel like the excited and hopeful girl from one year ago is gone. All I wanted was to get pregnant. Now, we have to start seeing specialists and discussing our options. I have already waited a year and who knows how much longer it’s going to be now. Josh and I are prepared to research all of our options and try everything we can. We both want to be parents more than anything in the world. I know this is somewhat of a downer post but that is just how I am feeling right now. I’m sure my feelings will change and that the hope will return. I know that I will be able to gather my strength and move forward.  Right now though, I feel tired, scared and like I am not strong enough to go through this.

I have never been one to sugar coat things so I am going to be upfront from the beginning.  I have no idea how long this journey will be but I am going to be honest throughout the entire process. I am going to have ups and downs but we are going to do whatever it takes to be parents.  Whether that means having a baby of our own or one day adopting, we aren’t giving up.

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6 Responses to “Bump in the Road”

  1. Roxanne May 15, 2011 at 2:01 pm #

    You are so brave to go through all this and to find the words to share it with us, too. I truly believe motherhood will happen in your future. Rest, recover well, lean on anyone who loves you, and know that many of us are hoping for good news for you!

  2. Aba May 15, 2011 at 3:44 pm #

    I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. 😦
    My thoughts are with you and your husband. You will be an amazing mother someday to your children, however it is they come into your life. You are strong enough to go through this, and I have much faith in you. Biological children are still a very viable option with that diagnosis, but adoption is also a noble and beautiful route (though also a trial of its own). You will have your own lovely family someday, somehow.

  3. Jess May 15, 2011 at 11:11 pm #

    You poor things 😦 That’s not good to hear. I’ll keep sending good thoughts to you and I hope you find the answers you’re looking for. You’re both so passionate about this and I know one day you will have your baby in your arms and no matter where that baby comes from it will be yours.

    xoxo

  4. Last Girl Standing May 17, 2011 at 12:36 am #

    Oh, hon, I am so sorry. I know it’s not the best-case scenario and I am so sorry (those pictures of Sawyer both warm and break my heart). You deserve better. You may have lost the excitement and a bit of the hope… so I’ll have them both for you on your behalf (amazing how we can be so strong and hopeful for others when it’s so hard to be that for ourselves, huh?). You are amazing and deserving, loving and kind. And I know this seems like a bump in the road but at least it’s got you moving in the right direction. The wheels are turning… maybe it’s not a bump… maybe it’s a hill and you’re reaching the top. It’s the hardest part and it seems almost impossible to see what’s on the other side. But you’ll get there. And it’ll be worth the trip. Promise! xoox!

  5. Rachelle May 26, 2011 at 10:04 pm #

    I have been so busy that I haven’t had time to read your blog. I just read the past two posts and I can’t believe it. I wish you so much luck and I am sending god vibes your way. One step at a time. One day at a time. That is all you can do right now. I hope you find answers and I am happy that no matter what you will not give up, even if it means adopting. I want to adopt children in the future, even if my body is able to have kids. I want to do both if it is possible. I commend you for being strong and I am glad you are lucky to have a husband who is there with you every step of the way. Good luck, my dear.

    • Rachelle May 26, 2011 at 10:04 pm #

      “good vibes” not “god vibes”. typo!

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